Tel Aviv, Meet the Parents and Hate Crimes- The Perfect Vacation

I feel like writing but I have absolutely no new stories to tell- its been a barren weekend so sometimes you just got to live in your memories.

Tel Aviv 2008

 

'Slee ha bevakasha 20 marlboro lights, toe da,'

The corner shop guy looked at me weird, either because my hebrew is terrible or when I speak in a different language I tend to lose control of the volume of my voice and shout. No matter which language, I am saying it with the softness of a drunken university rugby player after 14 pints.

I hand the guy the money and he says  something in Hebrew to me which I have no idea (the only words I know are 'can I please have marlboro lights/ guinness please?', 'hello', 'thank you', 'i love you', 'fuck you', 'son of a bitch', 'bastard', 'bloody foreigners' and 'orange'.)  

None of these words I can use, so I do the whole ugly tourist thing, 'uh...do...you...speak english....english...blah, blah?' Something I have gotten pretty good at in the last week being in Israel from taxi cabs, bar tenders, toilet attendees and Synagogues. 

I walk out of the shop onto the Israel sunset over a beautiful beach in the boiling weather and should be happy but I am a nervous wreck.

I smoke far too fast for enjoyment but thats what happens when you meet your girlfriend Anna's parents....and her brother.....and her extended family right down to her grandmothers uncles cousins husband-in-laws dog (who was a bloody Rottweiler)

It didnt go so well, no one spoke english so I spent three hours at the dinner table unable to put over any sort of impression other than confusion as the whole family spoke and chatted about me whilst pointing, laughing, her mother looking sad, her crazy uncle getting more and more drunk eyeing me with all the trust of a gestapo spy. All the while, my girlfriend eats a tiny salad and I am treated to slab after slab after slab of unidentifiable meat that never stops and I am expected to eat all of it I'm sure.

Then a fight breaks out, now there is nothing quite like witnessing your girlfriend arguing and shouting loudly with her mother which you have just met (and are trying to get to like you) in a language you completely do not understand and then seeing all the rest of her family stand up and join in in a massive burst of family passion.

I dont think my innocent friendly smile I had been using all day would do for this situation, it might make me look like a serial killer.

I quickly use the distraction to give the 5 newly placed feasts of mystery meat to the dog before covertly escaping outside and freedom from the melee.

God I need a cigarette...

But unfortunately thats not what I got as the crazy-eyed uncle was outside and offered me a cuban cigar and there is nothing I hate more than a cigar but I guess this is some welcoming initiation into the family so I accept.

So the next two hours are spent with me trying to hold down sickness from smoking a cigar or maybe from eating John Travolta's body weight in meat.

As the last of my cigar was finished the relatives slowly left and I breathed a sigh of relief only for it to be gone as I found out we were going to Jerusaleum for the afternoon.

So what followed was a three hour long walk around all the historical locations of Jesus with a Jewish family and a gay Palestinian tour guide who apparently had been disowned by his family for his sexuality- and I thought California was bad.

I have probably been in weirder situations than standing in the location of the last supper (which is now a Mosque after the crusades) having a debate with my girlfriends father about whether Jews or Romans killed Jesus but I cant think of one.

We get back to Tel Aviv and I feel like in a Bizarre reality which is the complete opposite of home.

For Israel is completely different to everywhere I have been- In London everyone tries to get out of each others way on the streets, are all softly spoken (usually talking about how much alcohol they can drink- well people I know anyway) and like a nice cup of tea. In Israel, the first thing you notice is that everyone stands in your way at every corner, almost on purpose, everyone is passionate and excited about talking politics and if you put milk in your tea, as I did at the family meal, everyone looks at you like you are Prince Harry at a fancy dress party as no one has ever had milk in tea here ever..

So having a bit of a culture clash problem but hey this night we went to a place called the Dinner Bar which is a cool club and I can drink all the insecurities away.

So we get there and the queue is massive but we are going with Anna's friend, a heavyweight journalist who is pretty much the Charlie Brooker of Israel and as we walk towards the bouncers they instantly open the gates and we skip all the waiting- I feel like a big brother contestant at a Jumpin Jaks.

We get plenty of whiskies in and talk about politics (or more in reality my girlfriend and her friend do and I nod along wondering why everyone is so worried about houmous in palestine, I think it is very tasty).

Soon I need the bathroom to drain the beers but in Israel in which every trendy bar you go into everyone is using the toilets with their noses on mirrors rather than the facilities and my banging on the door and yelling words I think sounded vaguely Hebrew do not stop that.

So I walk outside and try and find somewhere else to go.

The streets are empty and I walk down a suburban street but to no avail- no public toilet at all and I am getting deperate.

The nights are as boiling hot as the day time and I long for weather, any type of weather, my Irish genes are just not able to handle the heat- I wish I was a lizard.   I find a house with a small garden that is dark so I quickly dart in there and start going against a tree. All is good with the world once again...

And then the light turns on in the house and the curtain opens to reveal a Rabbi staring straight back at me.

And as the whisky is kicking in and my reactions are getting slower by the second, not to mention the crushing embarrassment that leaves me completely frozen.

So I am standing there in a garden whilst staring at a Rabbi as he stares back and I am peeing on his garden floor.

 So then it dawns on me what I look like- I am tall, blonde, blue eyed- in everyway an Aryan wet dream.

An embarrassing moment was slowly turning into a hate crime.

So I run....

And I run to the beach and buy a bottle of whisky from the local shop and drink under the stars, trying to forget my potential jail time for violating a Rabbi.

I drink and watch the waves come out to the shore and the beautiful stars in the sky, which you miss in London, and all the trouble and panic goes away.

I get halfway through the bottle and whilst staring at the moon I think there is so much beauty here which makes me really love this place and I am happy with the world despite my poor abilities of blending into the culture.

Until, I remember I left the bar about an hour ago....god Anna is gonna kill me.....