As if living poor wasn't bad enough, we are all going to seemingly die poor very very soon if the Swine flu epidemic is to be believed.

I dont know about you but please give me cancer or AIDs to kill me off, at least then people sympathise with it, but Swine Flu just sounds so uncool.

How could I explain to my family and friends how I got a virus that came from Pigs?

Thats a disgusting sexual image that would completely ruin my cool 'failure in life' image I have been working so hard for for so long .

I dont want my tombstone to read 'Here lies Bacon Sizzler'.

But you know what Its not the potential risk of death thats bumming me out its two other things:

The first is that the beautiful mountain of duty free cigarettes I had somehow gotten through customs in january (I even threw some clothes away to make room in my suitcase) is now finally coming to an end and I have to tackle the whole quitting thing because I cant afford the habit at all.

So even cutting down is stressing me out and everyone is sacred- I dont think I would give ones of these gorgeous cancer sticks to a man being sent out to a firing squad (I bought replica candy sticks to keep in my pocket just in case that situation presents itself).

God I love smoking.

At university, I smoked so much that when I went for a shower I would keep my hand out of the shower curtain with a lit cigarette so that when I had to wait those few minutes for the conditioner to work I could have a smoke- I hate those conditioner waiting minutes.

I dont know how I am gonna quit, it took me a year to move from Marlboro Reds to Marlboro Lights.

Maybe I will write one of those lame quit smoking blogs for all of your reading displeasure.

Secondly, technology is screwing me recently- I dont fear technology or think its gonna kill everyone- it just inspires neurosis in me.

This weekend I travelled half way round London from Tooting to Camden, only to realise when I got there I had forgot my phone and had to go all the way back so that I could coordinate all my useless friends into the right place. I am always the bloody sheep dog!

Then theres all the Twitter, Myspace, Facebook stuff which I have just completely stopped using for one because it has meant all the people I tried to purposely not speak to are all chasing me for birthday parties appearances etc.

But more importantly- when you look on there to request friends of people who are on these sites because we like the same music or something then you send them a message but this is what I cant get out of my head;

Law of averages suggest that out of all the hundreds of annoymous faces you see in the search, some of them might have died since they created the profile and I might be friend requesting dead people.

But more they obviously will not message back so I will get all self- conscious and neurotic about my own likability because I cant speak to dead people.

Maybe I will get drunk one day and write them some self righteous angry email 'where do you get off.....' etc etc.

A whole stream of emotions caused by a dead person- I tell you it freaks me out.

So I feel these are best avoided, thats why I have started blogging which is good as you just write and write comments on other blogs you like no harm to me there, well other than the feeling I will one day write a comment on someones blog and accidentally offend them completely but fingers crossed it doesnt happen.

But then I spotted something on my blog today which did make me very self-conscious.

When you look at the statistics pages, at the bottom is a list of search terms people use that finds your blog on google or something.

For me,  I wrote this rubbish blog a while back called 'I love smoking' and for some reason this is a popular search term and usually on the statitics page they are variations of this.

Or more bizarrely, one search term was 'I love smoking Mothers' which has led people to my site 4 times this month. I think these people were looking for something else (One-handed typers I think) and certainly not people I want reading my blog.

But then there was another search term that came up that really was something, it went like this:

'as the least educated person in the room I'd like to say'

I checked on google and I am on the first or second page depending on the day.

So let me get this straight, out of the whole internet which is metaphorically the 'room' of the term and the 'i'd like to say' is my blog then google throughout the whole of the internet has deemed myself the least educated person beneath everyone else.

Ouch...

Now thats what I call technology causing neurosis but hey as stated in the previous blog at least I can cut with scissors very well- even ran with them once and survived.

How do you like them apples Google?

 

 

P.S.

I thought I would put a real picture of myself on here as my smoking days are running out so the smoking man was not working (please dont all run away at once!)

And sorry its one of those silly moody pictures but It is the only one in which I am not drunk or smiling with my horrible yellow teeth caused by smoking.

But hey at least I dont look like a smoking Mother so hopefully there will be no more confusion in the future on that!