4 cigarettes, 5 cigarettes, 6 cigarettes, 7 In an hour.

Crickled Suit from the dark ages of fashion- suited and booted it is not, more suited for a booting (Oh jesus that was bad)

5 cup of coffee making me more jittery than a Politican having to say sorry.

And the shot of whisky to calm the nerves and make me Bubbly, Sparky and fiery and everything I am not because apparently being myself is 100% not what they want.

I think I'm ready for the Job interview now.

Is it Fate, karma or shit happens that out of 100 jobs that I apply for, the one I am least qualified for and lied the most about in my cover letter is the interview I would of course get.

But then again how hard can Press Officer for a Far left aggressively extremist Animal rights group be?

Probably not that hard for a man who wrote exposing news articles on the welfare of greyhounds in racing and led a rally against fox hunting, which is what I wrote I did in my cover letter.

In my defence, it was so late at night it was the afternoon again and I had the horror of being rejected as unqualified from yet another data entry clerk role by that bloody smug auto- response letter from a recruitment consultant.

Monkeys are now being trained to type at computers so I am, according to a recruitment consultant, less qualified than a species a few millions years behind in evolution.
And whats worse all these typing monkeys means even more competition in the job hunt.

So I might not have done what I said, the closest thing I did to saving animals was stopping my former flatmate, who had been driven mad from years of too much marijuana and too much unrequited love, from kidnapping a local cat from the street and trying to get it stoned, well I guess every little helps.

Anyways, the place was in the middle of nowhere and countryside always makes me nervous, too much fresh air feels bad for me I think.

I get in and meet two walls, almost literally, the two interviewers are both stone faced deadly serious people who look like the only time they laughed was 1974 and the joke got old really fast.

Everyone always gives me tips during an interview, the most common to fight nervousness is to picture the interviewers naked but by the look of them I think I would be the only one to have seen such a sight since there mothers.

Just the idea of random nakedness in a place of work makes me feel more nervous than anything else.

Then there is the advice to take some deep breathes to calm the heartrate just before but due to my fetus level of lung capacity due to smoking I am sure I will pass out and I think a unconscious me might be a worse interviewee, only just.

I guess I am just a bad interviewee but hey from so many interviews I am pretty well trained with the usual questions but this interview had no real questions at all.

'What other anti-cruelty to animals group are we most similar to?'
'Um....Disney?'

'What opposing pro Cruelty to animals group are we most in need to fight?'
'Uhhh.....KFC....Kill plenty of chickens.'

'Who do you think will win the next General Election?'
'........................Lloyd George?'

'If you were any type of animal what type of animal would you be?'
'I would be a fish because they have a memory of three seconds so I would be able to forget how badly I fucked up this interview.'

I may not have answered them like this but my answers were not that much better, I can tell you that, I didnt get this one that is for sure.

I always wonder whether an interview is the best way to get the right person as whenever you get out of the interview I always feel like I didnt get it even if it went well.

Will need to think of a better way to do it and hope it catches on or maybe I am just bitter because I cant play the game and maybe its me that is wrong or broken.

Maybe I am just a monkey typing on a computer.